Secret Santa Mayhem
by Jane O'Callaghan
Summary: Zelda is getting everyone ready to celebrate the anniversary of the creation of Hyrule! But when things go awry, Link finds out that the holidays don't always bring out the best in people...


**Hi everyone! I'm back! And let me just say, it feels good to be back! I missed this place. Where else can you create long rants that turn out to be longer than the actual story you're posting? So, I had a major freak-out when I couldn't find this place at first, because apparently they changed the name from Zelda to Legend of Zelda, so logically it now goes under L for Legend. I, unfortunately, did not know this at first and so, genius that I am, flipped out, feinted, and then started crying as I wondered how they could possibly get rid of the Zelda section. But then I found it, and all is good once again. And what is up with the story guidelines? Since when do you have to agree to them every week? That's kinda annoying... Anyway, please do enjoy this holiday oneshot that I actually started last year before mean, old life got in the way (don't you just hate that?).**

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Secret Santa Mayhem

Morning of the First Day:

Two Shopping Days Left

"Navi Navi, where 'art thou, Navi?" The Great Deku Tree asked slowly, his branches creaking noisily as the cold air pushed past them.

"Hello!" Navi shouted cheerfully, avoiding a stray snowflake that would've most likely crushed her. Winter was a dangerous time for fairies.

"Navi, I have not received word from the princess Zelda in some time now. I know it's been only a few months since Link returned from the world of Termina, but perhaps he could go and make sure that there is nothing amiss?"

"Umm… Link's kind of going through a phase right now…" Navi said hesitantly, remembering how childish the boy had been acting recently.

"Then maybe the walk would be good for him!" the tree said happily.

Understanding that this was a sign to not argue further, Navi started the short trip to Link's house, her wings drooped slightly lower than usual.

"Link? Hello?" Navi called out as she entered through her small fairy door. Link had inserted this tiny door into the wall of his tree house a while ago, so she could come and go as she pleased without having to knock and wake him up from his precious naptimes. She pouted crossly when she saw that the boy was still sound asleep, even though the sun was nearly halfway through the sky already. "Link! Hey! Hey!" Navi shouted, spinning around over his bed. Link grumbled something incoherent, which made Navi think that he was finally waking up. She sighed disappointedly, however, when she saw him simply roll over and continue snoring quietly. "Hey! HEY!!!" Navi screamed in his ear, to no avail. "Honestly, how many times do we have to go through this?" she grumbled before moving over to where Link had built his own alarm system.

It was a mess of pulleys and strings, but through all of that Navi could see that the alarm had been disabled with just one swipe of Link's sword. "Link if you don't get up right now, I'll-" Whatever she was going to threaten him with though was lost when the giant cow that Link owned suddenly mooed loudly.

"Ahhhhhhhh! I told you Malon, I don't want anymore milk! I'm lactose intolerant!!!" Link screamed before promptly falling out of bed and getting entangled in his bed sheets. Navi and the cow just stared at him curiously as he struggled to get out from under the pile of cloth.

"You're lactose intolerant? Then why did you keep drinking milk when you were trying to stop Ganondorf?" Navi asked after awhile. Unfortunately, Link was still under his quilt, and all he managed to hear was the name Ganondorf.

"Ganondorf!? He's back?!"

"No… Oh never mind!" Navi said as Link quickly threw all the bed sheets back on his bed. She scowled, "You call that making your bed? Do it right, mister!"

"Man, what a morning this is turning out to be…" Link grumbled as he obeyed Navi's command.

"It's not morning, it's already noon! Now move it! We've got a mission to do!"

"A mission?" Link asked in a whiny voice. "I don't want to do anymore missions!"

Navi sighed, "We have to check on Zelda for the Great Deku Tree, Link."

"But I don't wanna! Zelda has a whole army of body guards, make one of them do it!" Link protested as Navi dragged him outside and into the biting cold air before he could crawl under his bed and hide. "Hey… Hey! It's snowing!" After the boy had quickly stuffed Navi under his hat so she wouldn't be hit by any snowflakes, he leaped off of his ladder and landed in the growing layer of snow, laughing happily.

"Hey! Check on Zelda!" Navi shouted from under the brim of his hat, peeking out nervously as Link immediately began to construct a snowman.

"I told you, I don't want to!"

It was at the moment when Link was carefully rounding off the snowman's head when Mido, self-declared ruler of the Kokiri, spotted the duo. "Liiiiiink!" Mido shouted angrily, charging towards the boy.

"Uh oh…"

"Link, what did you do now?" Navi asked tiredly.

"Link! I want my boot back!" Mido practically screamed at him, panting angrily and standing on only one foot. The other one was completely bare, and Mido was trying very hard to keep it from hitting the snow.

"You stole his boot!?" Navi asked Link incredulously.

Link surveyed the situation and quickly realized that he would soon be in serious trouble if he didn't do something soon. He straightened up and then looked straight into the other child's eyes. "Uh… sorry, can't help you! I need to check on Zelda!" he said hurriedly before abandoning his snowman for the time being and making a quick retreat.

"Link, get back here!" Mido shouted, hopping after him.

"Sorry! I wish you could come too, but there's something keeping you from leaving the forest…" Link said tauntingly as soon as he had crossed the bridge that led out of the forest. Mido was at the other end, glaring angrily but refusing to move one step, or hop, closer. "Now what was it again?" Link asked cheerfully. "Oh yeah! You'd die if you left! What a drag… See you!" he said, and then he went marching off, whistling happily.

"Liiiiiiiinnnnnnkkkkkk!!!!" Mido shouted after him, shaking his blocky, poor graphics hand after the other boy.

"Link, I thought you didn't want to visit Zelda," Navi said teasingly as Link walked casually across Hyrule Field.

"Silly Navi, why wouldn't I want to visit Zelda? She's just the most annoying person on the planet! …Besides stupid, whiny Kafei that is."

"Who?"

"Kafei! The guy who got turned into a kid in Termina!" Link explained.

"Oh," Navi said, still slightly confused. She hadn't been with him during that particular adventure, though Link had forgiven her, claiming that he had had another annoying fairy to take her place.

Navi sighed when Link started to grumble under his breath, mocking this mysterious person known only as Kafei. "I got turned into a kid, I can't marry my fiancée, I lost my wedding mask, I can't find my stupid wedding mask, I lost my wedding vows," Link said in a high pitched voice. "I bet he didn't even write the darn vows!"

"Did you help him?" Navi asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Yes," Link grumbled, as if it had been the last thing he had wanted to do. "Tatl made me…"

"Well good for her!" Navi said cheerfully.

They spent the rest of the trip in silence until Link finally spoke up a few hours later, "This blizzard is getting worse! Good thing we're here!"

Navi blinked in surprise and peered out from under Link's warm hat. Sure enough, they were already approaching the drawbridge that led into Hyrule Castle Town, and then from there they could get to the castle where Zelda lived.

Most of the town was empty, save for a few people who were willing to brave the storm in order to get a discount on their favorite items. Link quickly made his way to the castle, complaining under his breath about something or other. Navi quickly tuned him out, and before long she was able to fly around again as Link entered the familiar castle.

"Link! You're here!" A girl squealed before racing up to him, a complete blur of blonde and pink.

"Hey…Zelda…" Link said, obviously not sharing the level of excitement that Zelda had. "Link Link Link!" Zelda said, bouncing up and down after she had given him a hug.

"Yes, that's my name…" Link grumbled.

"You're just in time!" the princess said, clapping her hands and barely able to contain her excitement over whatever it was Link was just in time for.

"Just in time for what?" Navi asked for Link, since he was obviously not interested at all.

"Why, you're just in time for the Winter Holiday Party, of course!"

"Oh goodie…" Link grumbled as Navi and Zelda started to dance around the room, chanting the word 'party' over and over again.

"Link! We're doing something special this year!" Zelda said after she and Navi were finished with their dance. "We're doing a Secret Santa thing! Everyone puts their names in a bowl, and then we mix them around, and then we have each person pick out a name! They have to get a present for the person whose name they got! Fun, right?"

"What if each person gets their own name?" Link asked, slightly more curious than he would care to admit.

"Uh…" Zelda said uncertainly. The thought had obviously never crossed her mind. "What's the chances of that happening!" she said finally before dragging Link around the castle with her, showing off all of her decorations and talking a mile a minute about all the different things she had planned for her party. Navi followed a short distance behind, watching with amusement as Link tried to be polite and act interested. Finally Zelda deemed the tour as finished, and so she led the two into the large dining hall where the Secret Santa drawing would be held. "This is going to be so much fun!" Zelda said happily. "I just cannot wait to see what everyone is going to get for each other! Link, if you get my name, I want a- Uh…hmm…"

"What?" Link asked.

"Well, the other guests should be here by now…" Zelda said, gesturing towards the empty room. "Oh well! We'll just start without them!"

"I've got a bad feeling about this…" Link muttered as he was pulled along.

Link's bad feeling turned out to be well warranted, as Zelda decided that since no one was around they would just have to split all the names between the three of them. Unfortunately, since Navi could only carry one name due to her tiny size, and Zelda only wanted to do two people, that meant the rest went to Link.

"You're kidding, right?" Link asked as the large pile of names was shoved into his arms. "Who are you bringing to this party!? All of Hyrule!?"

"No," Zelda said, shifting her eyes nervously.

"Hey!" Navi shouted angrily. "I got my own name!"

* * *

A few minutes later, Link and Navi were clustered together at the town bazaar. Link had decided to just get every single person one deku nut. Not only was it cheep, but he could also get all of his shopping done in one easy trip. Navi, who was still upset over just having to get something for herself, grouchily bought herself a bow and some arrows. Link wasn't quite sure what she was planning on doing with those, but the more important thought that was crossing through his mind was if she was able to carry a large bow with her then why couldn't she carry some more names…

Link was snapped out of his ponderings when suddenly the slightly creepy and very ugly store owner started talking, "Sorry, we're all out of deku nuts."

"What!? How could you be out!? I see some right there! Right…there!" Link shouted, pointing at the pile of nuts that were magically spinning around on one of the shelves.

"That's for display only. The princess Zelda bought out all of our deku nuts last week. Said she needed them for her party."

Link's eye began to twitch, which spooked the store owner out immensely. "What could a princess possibly be doing with deku nuts at a party!?!??!" the boy shouted, suddenly feeling a desperate need to grab Navi's bow.

The store owner just shrugged, "Maybe for decoration?"

Link frowned as he tried to remember his tour through the castle, but all he could manage to come up with was him staring at his feet miserably while Zelda chattered away next to him in a manner very similar to a squirrel. "Well do you have anything that's cheap?" Link asked finally.

"Uh…" the store owner turned around to look at his stock. "We've got bombs."

"I can't give the guests bombs as presents! They're stupid! They'll probably kill each other with them!"

"Well, let me check the back. Maybe we've got something in there," the store owner said, and he trudged slowly through a door that Link hadn't even noticed before. He waited a few minutes before looking around with a bored expression. His gaze finally narrowed once again on the deku nuts that were on display. "They're taunting me…" Link grumbled, watching as they continued to spin around. "I need those deku nuts!!!" he screamed finally.

"Hey!" Navi shouted in surprise as Link leaped over the counter and grabbed the nuts.

"Ok, we've got some bombchus if you want them!" the store owner said, coming through the door just as Link was stealing the deku nuts. "…Hey!"

"Run, Navi, run!" Link shrieked, tearing across the store and outside with Navi following as fast as she could without dropping her gifts.

"So, how many did you manage to get with that stupid stunt of yours?" Navi asked angrily after she and Link had stopped in one of the narrow alleyways.

"Let's find out!" Link said cheerfully, not at all fazed by the fairy's angry tone. "…Ten."

Navi burst into laughter, "That's it? Well, just fifty more to go then!"

"Hahaha," Link said crossly, stuffing the items into his pocket. With a sigh, Link pulled out his wallet and opened it up, peering into it with one eye. "Great, I've only got ten rupees. How am I supposed to buy anything with that!?"

"I told you to get a job," Navi said casually, plucking at her bow string lazily.

"I told you to get a job," Link repeated in a mocking voice. "Nobody gives a job to a ten year old! There's rules against that! That's Zelda's fault too!"

"Oh honestly, you can't keep blaming all of your problems on Zelda!" Navi scolded as the two exited the alleyway.

"Yes, I can," Link said with a pout as he pulled out his lantern so they could see in the darkened town. "If Zelda hadn't made the stupid rule, then I could have a job by now, and then I could EAT!" Link shouted as Navi floated closer to the warmth that the lantern offered.

"You eat…" Navi said, confused once again.

"Oh. Right. But I can't buy any cookies!"

"Hyrule doesn't have cookies," Navi said tiredly.

"Oh. …That explains some things. Termina had cookies!" Link said happily before suddenly marching off, nearly leaving Navi behind.

"Link? Link! We are not going all the way to Termina! …Are we?"

"Of course not, that place is insane! But I just had a great idea! We can just make cookies for everyone!"

"…You need to buy the ingredients."

"Darn it all!" Link shouted, stopping short. "I didn't think of that. What are we going to get for fifty people!?"

"Hey, what's this we thing? I'm done with my shopping!" Navi said, brandishing her bow.

"Aw come on, Navi, you have to help me!"

"No, I don't," Navi sniffed. "I'll meet you back at the castle! Remember, only one more shopping day left!"

"What? Why only one day? The party isn't until the day after tomorrow," Link whined.

Navi stared at him, wondering if he was serious. "Link, the stores close on holidays," she explained before turning sharply around and floating off, muttering to herself. "Gosh, it's like he doesn't pay attention to anything that goes on around him!"

"Navi! Navi, that's not fair!" Link shouted after her as the fairy disappeared into the darkness. "Oh yeah, fairy companions are with you through thick and thin my foot! Stupid fairy…" Suddenly, words appeared right in front of Link's face, claiming that it was the morning of the second day and there was only one more shopping day left. "I heard her!" Link shouted angrily. The words instantly disappeared, and the young boy sighed before trudging off in search of a store that was actually open at such an early hour.

* * *

"Navi, you're just in time for the rehearsals!" Zelda said happily as the fairy reentered the castle.

"Rehearsals? For what?" Navi asked.

"The caroling, of course! Come on, you can help me pick out the best singers!"

"Ok…" Navi said uncertainly, placing her bow and arrows under the giant Triforce symbol where all the other presents were being stashed.

"Here we are! Now let's see which of you have the best voices!" Zelda said, sitting down and facing a giant group of cuccos.

"Uh… Zelda? Those are birds!" Navi shouted.

"Yeah…" Zelda said sheepishly. "They were the best I could find at this time. Ok, give it your best shot!"

Navi sighed as the birds instantly started to cluck at the top of their tiny lungs, completely butchering a perfectly good Hylian song.

"Hmm, I think I like the one on the left the best!" Zelda said after a while. "At least I can actually figure out what he's trying to sing…"

* * *

"How could you possibly be out of deku nuts!?!? Nobody even buys from this store!" Link hollered at the poor Kokiri store owner.

"Well… Princess Zelda bought them all…last week?"

"What is that girl's problem!?" Link shouted before stomping back outside. Link soon found that all the stores were completely out of deku nuts, and any other item that could've been used as a gift. "I told Navi that princess was annoying…" the hero grumbled as he left Kakariko village. It was already noon again, and there was less than one day to find something for everyone. Link was just about to head back home and try to forget that the whole thing had even happened when an idea suddenly hit him. "OW!" Link shouted as Mr. Idea smacked into him. "What is your problem, guy!?"

"Sorry!" Idea shouted before running off. "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!"

"…Weird. Hey, I've got an idea!" the hero said cheerfully, and he went running towards Hyrule Castle.

* * *

"Cut cut cut! It's all wrong!" Zelda screeched, stomping her foot against the marble floor. Instantly the trio of cuccos stopped dancing and turned to face the princess. "People! This is a play about the goddesses creating the world! Not the world famous scientist answering the question of whether the egg or the chicken came first!"

"Cluck?"

"No! We cannot try to squeeze him in! I know it's an important part of the chicken culture, but get over it! We're doing the creation of Hyrule!" Zelda said, crossing her arms and glaring down at the birds. "Now then, let's try again, from the top! …Hey, where'd Navi go?"

The fairy in question was currently trying to sneak past the many guards and escape the castle. Unfortunately, it wasn't going so well as Zelda had apparently told the guards before hand to not let her out, as she needed the fairy to help with the party preparations. "Intruder, stop right there!" a guard shouted, blowing his whistle shrilly.

"Yes, I'm an intruder! Throw me outside!" Navi shouted in relief, glad to have finally found a guard that didn't recognize her.

The guard glared at her suspiciously, "Since you want to be thrown outside… we'll throw you inside!" the man said, and Navi was soon being tossed back indoors.

"Ugh, where did Zelda find these people?"

"Same place where I found my cuccos!" Zelda answered brightly.

"Great…"

* * *

Morning of the Last Day:

…Too Late, Shops are Closed. Bummer

"Oh, Link, I just can't wait to see what you got me!" Zelda crowed as she followed him through the hallways to where everyone else was gathered.

"Me neither," Navi said gleefully, too gleefully in Link's opinion.

"It's like you want me to fail!" Link grumbled at her, out of Zelda's earshot. Of course, it was pretty much impossible for her to hear anyone else at the moment anyway, as she was _still _talking about how great her party was going to be.

"Ok, let's get started!" Zelda suddenly shouted as they entered the party room.

"Well look at that, you people show up _now_!" Link shot an annoyed glare at the throng of people that were giving Zelda their undivided attention.

"Since we're all here, I vote for doing the presents first!" Zelda practically screamed in her excitement before turning to Link, ignoring the cheers from the others. "So, where's mine!?" she demanded.

"And mine!" Someone else shouted. Soon everyone in the entire room was demanding their presents. They were all hushed instantly when the Hero of Time cleared his throat.

"People, I have gotten you the best gift possible!" Link began.

"Oooooo," the crowd ooh-ed in awe.

"Yes, I have gotten you all… thoughts!"

Everyone began to cheer until what they had heard registered.

"Wait, what?" Zelda asked with a frown.

"That's right! Since it's the thought that counts during the gift-giving season, I've got you all thoughts! So get ready!" Link quickly shut his eyes as he gave everyone their gifts.

Aforementioned everyone just stared at him.

"That's…not a good gift."

"Yeah, that's stupid!"

Link's eyes snapped open, "What are you talking about? It's the thought that counts!" he shouted at them. "Isn't that all you people ever say!?"

"That's a lie!" Zelda screamed. "It's all a lie! It's the gift that counts!"

"Yeah!" Everyone else shouted their agreement.

"Oh for goodness' sake! Would you people get over it! That's what you got, now say thank you, sit down, and shut up!" Link said, pulling out his sword.

"Yes, sir," the mob mumbled and they quickly moved off to the dining room.

"That still wasn't a good gift, Link," Zelda muttered. "Oh, wait! I was in charge of getting my own gift!" She clapped happily before bounding over to where the few actual presents were sitting miserably in a corner. "Oooo, I wonder what it is!"

Link sighed in annoyance as the princess dragged out the process of unwrapping her gift. She shook it, weighed it in her hands, and then finally tried to peer through the wrapping paper by sticking a lit candle next to it. The only thing this achieved, however, was the paper caught fire, and Zelda's gift was finally revealed, albeit a little on the charred side.

The young girl squealed happily all the same, "A deku nut! Just what I wanted!"

"Wait wait wait! Wait just one minute!" Link hollered. "You bought all the deku nuts…just so you could give yourself just one!? What happened to the others!?"

"Oh I threw them out."

Link stared at her, "Why?"

"I needed to find the perfect deku nut for me. So I bought them all, and then examined them all very carefully! And this was the one!" She held it up proudly, showing it off for all of the world to see (if the world actually cared enough to look in her direction). "Well, that was fun! Now let's move on to the entertainment!"

"Wait! What about _my _gift?" Link whined.

"Oh you don't get one," Zelda said matter-of-factly.

"Why not?" Link asked disappointedly.

"Because, you're the Hero of Time. I don't want to show favoritism!" And with that statement stated, the princess went skipping off towards the sound of loud clucking.

Link sighed miserably and started to make his way towards the castle's exit when a familiar voice called out to him, "Hey!"

"Hey, Navi, how's it going?"

"Oh don't sound so depressed," Navi chided. "Want some roasted deku nuts?" The fairy held up an arrow that was acting as an impromptu shish-kabob stick and was loaded with the deku nuts that the princess had discarded.

Link shrugged, "Sure, why not."

The two friends sat together, munching happily on their snack and listening with pained expressions as the cuccos began to try and sing in unison. "So…after this want to chuck a couple of bombs in there?" Link asked casually.

Navi smiled maliciously, "You know it!"

* * *

**The End! Feel free to tell me what you thought of it; or don't tell me. Either way works with me! **

**Happy Holidays everyone!  
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